so here i sit, my last night of summer. we start school in the morning. for those of you who don’t know, we attend a private classical school 2 days a week, with a fairly traditional classroom setting (but with only 14 kids per class) and home school the other 3 days a week.
so again, here i sit. i am filled with mixed feelings of excitement and fear. i don’t share much here about my homeschool experiences for so many reasons, the main one is probably because i don’t do it well and it really frustrates me. i try to keep this a happy space, but i also want to be real. i am also cautious about giving too much information about frustrations i have with my kids because this will one day be a record they could look back on. not sure they ever would, but even so, its here. but again, i want to be real. and i always appreciate having someone else to relate to, so that is why i even have the pull to talk about my homeschooling experiences here in this space.
i have serious balance issues – don’t we all? but mine falls in finding the balance between educating and loving on my children, and growing my shop and business. with the first i am struggling because i’m so tired (from staying up the night before working), and i am unprepared for the work i need to set before my kids, i don’t feel qualified to teach and take it out on them. add to that one child who has a difficulty with paying attention and focusing and i become one angry mama. not good. and also, these are my kids, not just students, so they are very comfortable with me and whine and fuss and fight with each other and get time outs and all that fun stuff. so by the end of the day, i am wiped out. but this is where it gets bad (as if it weren’t bad already), when i am really frustrated with our day, i go to my computer. because you guys don’t talk back to me. you encourage me. you say nice things to me. you cause emails to pop up in my inbox that say wonderful things like “you’ve received a new order!”. and that stuff makes me happy. and that makes me sick. when i have to choose between stress and arguing and frustration or sweetness and sales, i choose what makes me feel better. i am thoughtless about what is best for my kids. i often feel like i am doing good enough just having them home with me and not putting them in a classroom 5 days a week with 30 other students, especially when my one child would be lost in there with her issues. but i am wrong. i know i am wrong. i know that this way of thinking has hindered my kids in schooling thus far and i’m sure has damaged aspects of our relationships. i have had a hard time seeing the true value of what i am privileged to do. don’t get me wrong – i can spout off all the wonderful things about the sort of education my children are (should be) getting, but i haven’t really internalized them enough that they really affect the way i teach or prioritize my time.
so after that confession, i am making a commitment. i will be different. i want to take our school’s mission and make it my own. i want to believe what i say, not just say what i should believe. a quote i have posted in our school room is one i want to hold fast to: i want to help you to grow as beautiful as God meant you to be when He thought of you first. – george macdonald. i am privileged to be in this position. i know my kids will not stay this little and moldable forever (although it really seems like it right now). i have been given a gift in this opportunity and i need to see it as that. i need to see it as that daily.
there have been many times that i have felt like just dropping everything here, the blog and shop. to just be mom/teacher. financially, thats just not an option, so i need to figure this out. maybe the other way would be the easy way out and maybe that’s not God’s plan for me. either way, i am definitely being taught something through this. exposing my character flaws in this has been difficult, not only exposing them here, but even to myself, to recognize them.
so i am setting goals for myself and my kids and my business. i am going to be more focused and less willy-nilly about how i run my business. how many times have i said i am not a business woman?! all i want to do is design and create, but things don’t happen all on their own and there is so much more to the business side of things than i ever expected or can even handle. i am going to delegate more and hold things more loosely in my hands.
i don’t want to be “super mom”, but i want to be a super mom. i want to be great at being mom to my 3. i want to feel prepared and on top of things and never behind the 8 ball. i want my kids to have a more relaxed mom. i am making memories for them now, forming for my girls what it is to be a mom, and i want them to see motherhood as a gift as well. i need to show them that i see it that way.
so i will do my best to update you on how i am doing, share any scheduling tips i figure out along the way, and even share my pitfalls and frustrations. thank you for making this a safe place for me.